Troubled Soul
by CullenTwilightFan
Summary: Set in New Moon. Edward leaves and Bella falls apart. When the cullens return, Charlie died and she has become a cutter. She needs help. Im no good at summarys, but please R
1. Chapter 1

a/n I DONT OWN TWILIGHT!!……….sadly. I do not own anything in my shiny new fanfic. Please read and review.

I rolled out of bed, my head pounding already at the thought of what I would face today. I it my alarm clock to make it stop its annoyingly loud beeping. I didn't have much time but I dragged myself into the shower anyway. I honestly didn't care if I was late today. This was going to be hell. I was going back to school for the first time since _HE _left me. Charlie was getting pretty worried. It scared him how zombie like I had become since _HE_ left. I could keep doing this to Charlie anymore, so I have to go back to school. It will be hard, but I have to do this for him.

I stepped into the shower and under the boiling hot water. I instantly began to relax. When they first left, I just couldn't handle it. It was agony, knowing I would never see them again. I was in constant pain, I never left my room. But over the past weeks that had changed, I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything, not even for Charlie and it scared me.

I washed my hair, got out the shower and got dressed. I wore jeans and a dark blue v-neck shirt. After brushing my teeth and hair, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. When Charlie saw me at the door his face was priceless, His jaw dropped and his eyes popped out heir sockets.

"Bells…you're..umm…."He trailed off, I hadn't left my room since _he _left.

"I'm going back to school" I finished for him.

"Are you sure?…." He asked.

He looked like he was going to continue, but I cut him off." I'm sure, I have to go back, I've had enough time off" I said, pulling my bag onto my back, to show him there was no way he was going to stop me.

" Do you, want some breakfast? I mean, you should eat something" He asked me, I shook my head.

"No, thanks, I'll umm.. get something at school" I lied, looking at my feet. The truth is haven't eaten much lately, My appetite seemed to disappear just like they did.

I left the house before Charlie could say anything else, making sure to give him the best fake smile I had.

I slid into my truck and started it up to make my way to school. I was a bit late but I really wasn't bothered. The rain poured slowly down the windows and the sky was full of dull grey clouds, that blocked out any hope of seeing the sun today. So many things many things reminded me of them.

Within 10 minutes I was parking my truck outside Forks high. I sat there for a while, regretting my decision to come in today. I was terrified._ For Charlie, _I thought, sliding out my truck. I took a deep breath and began walking across the parking lot, but stopped halfway there. I smiled, remembering he time when he saved me from….no. I had to stop thinking about him.

"There not coming back" I muttered to myself, my smile fading. Just saying that out loud caused my heart to break, bringing tears to sting at my eyes. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, being pulled from my thoughts by the bell. I was late, and I could tell already that today was going to suck. . Especially since I had Biology first. I was dreading this.

As I got closer to the classroom door, I could hear that the lesson had already started. I swore under my breathe, something very unlike me, and opened the door.

"Well Well Well , Mrs Swan, I'm so happy you decided to show up to my lesson" He said, causing Lauren the whisper to her friends and laugh. I never liked her.

I stood still in the doorway, staring at my empty desk. I didn't even hear what he said, memories were flooding back to me. I bit my lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to overflow.

I heard the teacher say something about a detention and then he just carried on with his lesson. I made my way to my seat, luckily only tripping once, catching myself before I hit the floor. I still heard the laughing coming from Lauren and the other popular girl as I sat down.

I began doodling in my book, blocking out the lesson. I looked at the empty seat next to me. I was lost without him. 5 minutes Later the whole class seemed to be working on something, and the teacher was sitting at his desk marking books. I had obviously missed what we were supposed to do, so I carried on drawing stars in my books. I drew hearts as well, Making sure to put a line through them, to show they were broken. I ignored the class around me, I was in my own little world. But the numbness was starting to fade, and the pain began creeping its ay back in. I looked back at the empty chair next to me, and the emotions I tried to get rid of came flooding back.

I began clicking my pen frantically, thinking for some reason that it would distract me from the pain, so I wouldn't have to…… Then I saw him, like he was sitting right next to me.

"Don't" He whispered, so quietly I could barely hear him. He just stared at me. His beautiful golden eyes locking with mine. I knew he wasn't really there, I was imagining him, but for a split second I was happy. Then he faded away. This caused the pain to return, but 10 times worse. Tears streamed down my face. He left me again. I stood up and ran from the room. Coming back was obviously not the best idea

I ran into one of the girls toilets and locked the door behind me. I had seen him. It was bad enough that I had nightmares every night about him, now I was actually seeing him. The pain was back full force, just like when he first left. I had to make it stop.

Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my razor. _I cant believe I'm doing this._ I promised myself last time that I would never do this again, but it was the only way to take away the pain. Pulling up my sleeve, I placed the cool, sharp razor against my arm. Closing my eyes, I sliced straight down from my wrist to my elbow. Not deep enough to kill, just enough to make the pain go away. And draw blood. Lots of blood. I watched as it dripped down into the sink. I was mesmerized by it. Relief flowed through my body at the sight of it and the pain disappeared completely. I cleaned up my arm and my razor, and began staring at my self in the mirror. I was a lot paler, and it seemed as though the sparkle my eyes once held had gone.

I collapsed to the floor, not from blood loss but the thought of what I was doing and who I had become. Guilt was the only thing I felt. But I had to escape from the pain of living without him. Scars covered my arms, some older than others, from all the times the pain of living without him became to much. I couldn't help but ask myself……….Would he still love me if he saw me now?

a/n So, what do you think? Please tell me. I live for reviews. Even if I only get one review I WILL update. So please review.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n So here's the next chapter, its kind of a filler chapter, but in the next one things will get better. ENJOY!!**

Chapter 2 

The rest of the day continued the same as biology. I doodled in my books and ignored the rest of the world. I tried to keep my mind of _him, _but I only ended up thinking about what I did this morning. Just the thought of it caused my arms to hurt, but that was okay, it kept me distracted. I couldn't help remembering when I first started it…

_Flash back_

_I woke up screaming, after another nightmare of Edward leaving. I was gasping for breathe, as the memories of the nightmare came back to me. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. I stared at my face in the mirror. I had dark, ugly bags under my eyes from the sleep I had been missing, and my hair looked like a birds nest. No wonder he left me. I should have known that he didn't love me. Who could?_

_I punched the reflection of my face in the mirror, I couldn't look at it any longer. The mirror shattered, shards cutting into my hands. Yet I felt no pain, just….relief. I was so glad Charlie was working late, he didn't need to see this._

_Blood was pouring from the cuts on my hands, it strangely felt good. I wasn't even bothered by the smell. At school I'd heard some kids talking about cutting themselves, I never understood, I always thought that they were just doing it for attention. But as I watched the blood seeping out of my cuts, I understood. It was like all the pain I had been feeling since he left was fading away, for the first time since he left, I felt nothing. It made me numb, and I liked it._

_I searched my bathroom floor for the sharpest shard I could find. I picked up a triangular shaped piece and held it above my wrist. Should I do this? I stood there for a minute, thinking. Is this the kind of person I wanted to become? I mean, if Edward……But HE isn't here, HE is never coming back. He doesn't love me, he doesn't care. A part of me knew that wasn't true, but I couldn't help thinking it was. I had to do this. _

_I pressed the sharp edge against my left wrist, closed my eyes and quickly dragged it across my skin. Blood instantly began pouring out, and I couldn't help but watch as it dripped slowly down the sink. I did it again, harder this time and more blood started to pour out. This is when I chose to panic. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arm in an attempt to stop the bleeding. _

_I sat with my back leaning against the bath. I felt nothing. It was amazing, after living with so much pain, I had finally found a way to escape from it. I stood up, my head spinning slightly, and started cleaning up the blood and shards of the mirror I broke. What would I say to Charlie? I guess ill just buy another mirror, say it was one of my many accidents. I cleaned an wrapped my cuts, unaware of the salty tears that were streaming down my face_

_End of flash back._

Finally the bell went and I made my way to my truck. I started it up and drove home, again driving slowly. I didn't want to go to school, and now I didn't want to go home. I pulled up in my driveway about15 minutes later. Charlie was home, so I smiled as I made my way through the front door.

"Hey Dad." I smiled at him

"Hey, you okay?" He replied, smiling back.

"I'm great" I lied. But this answer seemed to make him happy.

"Good" He seemed genuinely happy, so I kept up the act.

"I'm going to do some homework" I said, running up the stairs. But I tripped when I got to the top, falling straight. I laughed at myself and went to my room.

I didn't actually have any homework, due to the fact that I didn't listen to a word any of the teachers said. So I lay on my bed and listened to my Ipod. About 2 hours later I realized that it was a bad idea.. It began playing my lullaby, I completely lost it. Ripping the earphones out my ears, I threw the ipod on the floor. _Better idea. _I thought, opening the window, I threw it out, and watched as it smashed on the driveway.

I_ may_ have over-reacted. A little. But is this how I'm meant to live my life? Being constantly reminded that I would never see them again?

Somewhere in my destruction of my 106£ Ipod, I managed to tear open my newest cut, the sleeve on my wrist being soaked with red. I welcomed the pain, it seemed to calm me down.

"Bella, you okay?" Charlie asked, opening my bedroom door.

"Yeah, Great" I hid my wrist behind my back and answered with another fake smile.

" Dinners ready." He said "What was that noise I heard?"

" Oh, it was, nothing, I'll be down in a minute" I waved my arms, signalling for him to leave. The door closed and I re-wrapped my wrist and changed my T-Shirt. I made my way downstairs, this time tripping on the bottom step, causing Charlie to burst out in laughter. I gave him a look and he immediately stopped laughing at me.

I sat down at the kitchen table next to him, and looked at my plate. Ravioli.

"Smells great" I said, and started moving the ravioli round my plate, I wasn't hungry, and this made it look as though I had eaten something. Thankfully, Charlie didn't notice. I took his plate and mine and started to wash up.

"Bella…There's something I need to tell you." He was looking at his feet.

"What is it?" I was getting worried now, he stood up and came to stand next to me.

"I had a phone call today……..I don't know if I should tell you this, but, …" He was rambling.

"What?"

"There coming back"…………….

**a/n So what did you think? Please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n I just want to say thanks to Disney101, vampirelover13, DarkDefender89 and gaby47, for your lovely reviews. This chapter isn't the best, I've been really ill today. So here it is, enjoy. **

**Chapter 3 **

"What?" I whispered. I must have hallucinated. "What did you just say?" I tried to keep my face as emotionless as possible, but I was failing miserably.

"The Cullen's. There coming back. I really wish that I didn't have to tell you, I would prefer that you had nothing to do with them, but, well, they are going back to school…."

"Are you joking?" I interrupted, this had to be a joke, some sick joke.

"No Bells, I'm not. Please be careful, I don't want to see you hurt…"

I ran upstairs, slamming the door behind me . I was speechless. _They cant come back, they cant. I don't want to see them again. I don't want to see HIM again._

I started gasping in lungful of air. I was getting used to not having them around. I needed to calm down, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. There was only one thing I could do. I ran into the bathroom, pulled up my sleeve and made two more deep cuts on my arm. Now I felt better

But what if they knew? What if Alice had a vision of what I just did? I looked over to my window, it was open from where I threw out my Ipod. I slammed it shut and locked it. Now I was just being paranoid.

My head was spinning, how long had they been back? _He's going to be at school tomorrow. I cant go. Maybe I should just skip, its not like I do the work any way._

I decided to just get into bed, my arms hurt and I was getting a headache from worrying. I climbed under the quilt and closed my eyes. I would have listened to my Ipod for a bit but…..

I couldn't help but wonder why they hadn't tried to contact me yet, I mean, I thought he would have at least tried to sneak into my window or something by now….. Not that I wanted him to or anything. Eventually I fell into a nightmare filled sleep.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of my own screaming. I had another nightmare. It was of him leaving me again, telling me he didn't love me. Then it changed, we were both back at school, like before he left. But he found out what I do to myself, and he left me again.

I wiped the tears away from my face, and looked to my window. A part of me hoped to see him sitting there watching me, with that smile I love so much plastered on his face.

It was 5:00, still early, but I got up anyway, if I went back to sleep id just have another nightmare. That was something I couldn't handle again. I groaned, thinking about the day head._ They probably wont be back. They said I would never see them again._

I got up slowly and went to take a shower, the boiling hot water stung against my cuts, but it felt good. An hour later I was washed, dressed and had 3 new scars o my arm. I knew it was a stupid thin to do, they would be able to smell the blood, but I wasn't completely convinced that they would be there.. Besides I had cleaned them and soaked them with alcohol.

When I got downstairs, Charlie wasn't there, he must have already left for work. I stood in the kitchen for a while, contemplating whether I should have breakfast or not. It was probably noticeable by now that I hadn't been eating much , you could visibly see my ribs, but I just wasn't hungry.

15 minutes later I was parked outside forks high. There wasn't many people around, it was early. At least_ they_ weren't here. I assumed that if they were coming back, they would have there old timetable back. This meant a lot of their lessons were with me. Biology was second today, so that gave me all of first lesson to worry. I knew that today I couldn't cut, not while I was here, it was too risky. So I put an elastic band round my wrist and made my way to home room.

Luckily, my teacher was there and he let me in to sit down " Oh Bella, your biology teacher informed me that you did not attend that detention yesterday." _Crap_ "So you will be doing it with me after school." _Oh yeah, I forgot about that_.

"Sure" I replied, for some reason he smiled at me and went back to preparing a lesson. _Creep._

I started snapping the rubber band against my wrist, only stopping when the bell went and people started coming in.

"Oh my god, did you here, the Cullen's are back!" This caused the whole class to start talking about them.

"SHIT" I accidentally said out loud, getting a few stares from the people next to me. I snapped the rubber band against my already bruised wrist.

20 minutes later I was sitting in maths. Luckily I didn't share this lesson with any of them. So I sat there and doodled in my book again. A really creepy thought came into my head. What if he was watching me?. He can read minds, he could be looking at me right now. I stopped snapping the rubber band, id apparently been doing it without knowing. I carried on drawing in my book, making it look as though I was working

Time seemed to slow down, it felt like torture. I was dreading biology, but I just wanted to get it over with. Te bell went and I hid my wrist under the table, snapping the rubber band. I couldn't help myself.

I took my time walking to biology, it wasn't exactly going to be a walk in the park. I walked through the door, sighing in relief as I noticed he wasn't there.

A cold hand touched my shoulder, I spun my head round, coming face to face with…….Edward

"Hello Bella"

* * *

A/n Please review. And this is a horrible thing to say, but Charlie will be gone in the next chapterL. Hope you liked this chapter, I love evil cliffies.


	4. Chapter 4

**a/n Thanks again for all the lovely reviews, I love you all. So here's the next chapter. Sadly I'm still ill, my sister has been making fun off me all day, I woke up in the night and I swear I must have been hallucinating. I cant remember it, but apparently I was crying about wanting to play the piano and that I wasn't able to spell my name:/ . It happens whenever I'm ill. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

Chapter 4

"Hello Bella" He said with that crooked smile I love. There was a sadness in his eyes, and I knew he felt guilty.

I turned away from him, noticing that everyone's eyes were on us. I ignore him, and took my seat, thankful that for once I didn't fall. He followed and took the seat next to mine. I felt so childish as I moved my chair as far away from him as possible. I refused to look at him, I'm sure he was hurt by this, but did he really expect me to just forgive him?

The lesson started and we sat in compete silence. I stared blankly ahead of me. I couldn't believe this was happening. After all this time, and all the pain he's put me through, he was sitting next to me like nothing had changed. I was just so happy that I managed to stay calm, I thought I would be a complete wreck by now.

The class started doing work, in pairs with the person sitting next to them. Perfect. I considered asking the teacher if I could move, but after yesterday I don't think I was on his good side.

After an awkward silence he finally spoke. "Are you even going to look at me"

_Nope._ I answered in my head. When I heard his voice I thought I was going to crack, throw my self on him and never let him go. But I knew I was stronger than that. He hurt me to much.

"Please" His silky voice begged me. I still ignored him. I opened my book and carried on drawing. He probably thought I had gone completely insane, but I didn't care.

"I'm so, so sorry" He whispered, so quietly I almost didn't hear him. Sorry wasn't enough, he would have to prove to me that he loved me and will never leave me. Then I will consider forgiving him. Maybe.

"Isabella" The teacher said coming over to me. This must be about that detention. I was going to open my mouth to say something, but I really didn't want HIM to hear my voice. I was acting like a 6 year old, but I couldn't help it.

" The principle wants to see you in his office, now." His voice was hard, confirming my suspicions that he really didn't like me now.

I wondered what I had done and then it hit me. Nothing. I hadn't done any work since I had come back to school. This was going to be bad, they would probably call Charlie in. He thought I was better. This was going to break him. And HE was probably going to be watching the whole thing through the mind of the principle. This day just gets better and better.

It was times like this that made me cut, but I knew I couldn't, he was bound to find out. I stood up from my chair, once again all eyes were looking at me. I prayed that I wouldn't fall over. I walked out the door, happy that I didn't even stumble, and made my way to the principles office. There was no one around, they were all in lessons, so I napped my rubber band against a recent scar. The pain felt amazing.

I took a deep breathe and knocked on the principles door, he answered in a gravely voice and I entered. I suddenly found my shoes very interesting.

"Isabella" He said, pointing me towards a chair. I sat down, still looking at my feet." I have been told that you have been making no effort in lessons." He paused, showing me one of my books, the pages were covered in pictures. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my throat, I don't even know what was funny, it just felt like the right thing to do.

" Do you find something amusing?"_ Well obviously, that's why I'm laughing._ I knew better than to say that out loud, so I sat in silence.

"We have called your Farther, he should be here soon." He said standing up, "Wait here" He left the room. I sat there once again snapping the rubber band. What was Charlie going to say?

I waited. And waited. But after 15 minutes , the principle didn't come back. Charlie should have been here by now. I stood up, I was beginning to worry, so I was taking it out on my wrist. Again. I decided that I couldn't wait any longer, so I opened the door. I was surprised to see the principle standing in front of the door. His face looked…sympathetic. His attitude towards me had completely changed. Now I was freaked out, this guy was horrible to everyone.

"Bella" He said in a comforting tone of voice. _BELLA! _I was supposed to be in trouble.

"Where's my dad," I asked, confused. I knew there was something wrong. The suspense was killing me.

"He was in an accident………..He didn't make it." He said. " I'm so sorry."

He tried to place a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it of and left his office. I didn't cry, my mind was unable to process what had been said. What did he just say? The world seemed to slow down and his words echoed through my head. I suddenly found myself on the floor, my back leaning against the cold, hard wall.

My heart beat sped up as the reality of what was happening came crashing down on me. I was alone. I had no one left. It felt as though my heart had shattered, torn itself apart with grief and all the little pieces were stabbing at my insides.

My body began to shake with uncontrollable sobs and salty tears streamed down my face, making my vision blurry. The bell went and people began leaving there classrooms, but I just sat there on the floor. My heart was to busy breaking again to even care. This was worse than when HE left. I knew he would come for me. He probably watched the whole thing.

People watched as they walked past me, some even laughed. I couldn't take it any longer, I picked myself up of the floor and ran shakily down the corridor. I wiped the tears away from my eyes, but more just kept coming. I ran until I hit something hard and cold. For a second I thought it was a wall, but strong, cold arms wrapped around me, and someone began whispering in my ear.

"Shhhhhh.. Its going to be okay." I then felt my self being picked off, and before I knew it we were outside the wind rushing past. I had that nauseous feeling I always get when he's running. He was taking me home.

**a/n Hope you liked this chapter. Please review. And do you think I should do a chapter from Edwards point of view? It probably wont be the next one, but do you think I should? Love you all!!!!!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

A/n I'm so sorry, I really hate to do this but the next chapter will be a little late. I have it all written, I just need to type it up. Christmas is coming up and I've been really busy. I hope you don't give up on me. The minute we finish the next chapter will be up. DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!!

Love you all.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n So here's the next chapter, sorry for the wait. My brothers broke his toe, and we've started putting Christmas stuff up. I probably won't be updating that often untill after Christmas.**

**Chapter 5**

He was taking me home.

Within minutes, I was sitting on his lap, I didn't look up so I didn't know what room I was in. I did try to pull away, but he pulled me closer to him. Eventually I gave up my escape attempts, and just sat and cried.

Once again I blocked out the world around me. I didn't hear the comforting words he was whispering in my ear, and I tried to pay no attention to the fact that I was absolutely furious with him.

I managed to pull my knees up to my chest, and curl myself into a ball. This made him hold me even tighter. I don't know how long I sat there like that, But eventually I fell asleep against him, his chin resting on the top of my head. He was humming my lullaby and I felt a wave of calm wash over me._ Damn you Jasper…._

* * *

When I woke up it was dark, I was lying on a bed in Edwards room and I was alone. I still had my long sleeved t-shirt on, so hopefully no one saw the cuts. I got out of bed and walked as quietly as I could to the door. For some reason I thought this would mean that they couldn't hear me.

I crept downstairs. I hadn't seen anyone so far.

"BELLA!" I heard someone squeal. Alice. _Crap_. I had just about made it to the door when I was enveloped in a hug. I didn't hug back. Once again, I knew I was being rude, but I was furious, I was beyond furious. I was pissed.

" Alice, I have to go." My voice sounding raspy and weak, she released me and I turned away from her before she could say anything else. I had to leave. I needed to cut, desperately, and I wanted to try and figure things out.

I left the house. Nobody followed me, I guess Alice was the only one home. Luckily I don't think she knew my secret, at least something was going right.

Unfortunately I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie, and tears kept streaming down my face. I sobbed even harder when I realized I would have to walk home. I don't even know why that upset me so much. So I started walking, not even looking back as their house disappeared out of view.

So I didn't have a coat, I had no money, I was freezing, its dark and I'm alone, surrounded by forest. I must have the IQ of a peanut. For some reason the knowledge that I was completely helpless made me laugh. And I mean really laugh, I was in hysterics, with tears stinging my cheeks. Perfect. That was another thing to add to the list. I'm insane.

After walking for a few minutes, I heard a car coming up behind me. I turned around and stuck my thumb out, not the smartest thing to do, it was a stranger. But it was dark and I was cold.

As the car got closer, it slowed down, it was going to stop. It stopped right in front of me. Shit. It was a shiny, silver Volvo, and Alice and Edward were sitting in the front.

"OH COME ON!" I shouted and continued walking

"Bella" He growled. Was I making him mad? Shame. I carried on walking. I decided to go extra slow, remembering how he enjoyed breaking the speed limit. Mow they were driving along next to me at a snails pace.

" Bella, just get in we'll take you home" Alice pleaded with me "We know your mad, but please let us take you home, we'll explain everything" I stopped and looked at her.

"Fine" I said, and got in the back seat. I stared out the window, this time I would not cry. I'll wait till they leave.

There was an awkward moment of silence, none of us knew what to say. I wanted to scream how much I loved him and that I was so glad he was back. But I was pissed at him. And I wanted to keep cutting. I loved Edward, and the rest of the Cullen's, but with them around they were bound to find out what I was doing. Unless they already knew, if Alice had a vision….

"So why are you guys back?" Surprisingly my voice was the complete opposite of how I was feeling, it sounded strong and emotionless.

" Because we missed you" Alice laughed like it was the most obvious thing in the world, acting like she hadn't noticed my bad attitude.

"We.. I couldn't stay away from you any longer" Edward said, and for the first time since he left, our eyes met. I begged myself to look away but I just couldn't. The walls I had built up just disappeared and im sure he saw everything. The hurt, the depression , the pain. And the cutting, what I had become to escape from the agony of being without him. I looked away, but I saw the look in his eyes, he knew something was wrong. He continued to stare at me, as if he was trying to read my mind. He looked really…concerned then looked away.

We arrived home and I opened the car door, Edward was already standing there ready to help me out. I ignored him and walked to my front door. I didn't open it, I knew the second I got in there I would break down, and I didn't want anyone here for that.

"Leave" I whispered to them.

"What?" Alice questioned. Edward must have said something to her, because the next thing I knew she was gone.

"You too, Leave." I said it a little more forcefully this time. He took another step towards me, noticing the tears that were beginning to fall." PLEASE JUST GO" I screamed at him.

"I will never leave you Bella, Never." He was right in front of me now, his golden eyes burning into mine, begging me to let him stay.

"Please, I need to be alone, for a bit, I need to think." I said, softer this time, I needed him to leave.

"Can I come back?" He asked. What was I supposed to say? If I said he couldn't, he would stay here all night. But if I said he could, he will leave.

"Fine" I whispered, knowing he could hear me. He wiped the tears from my face with his thumb, and before I could blink he was gone.

EPOV

I followed Bella to the door, Alice trailing along behind me. I was going to explain everything to her. She was really angry. I have never seen her in so much pain, and knowing I was the one who caused it just made it worse. I needed to fix things between us.

She stopped in front of the door. I thought for a moment that she was to scared to go in, Charlie wouldn't be there. The whole house would remind her of him and she would probably fall apart. I was going to be here for her.

"Leave" She whispered. She didn't want us around anymore, I knew that, but I would not let her go in there alone.

"Alice, go home" I said it so that Bella couldn't hear.

_What!!! NO!! why?_

"Because" I knew this was not really a good enough reason, but it got her to leave.

"You too, leave." Her saying this broke my heart. It hurt that she didn't want me near her. But I was not going to give up.

Tears began forming in her eyes, and it took all the strength I had not to run to her, wrap my arms round her and never let her go. I stepped closer.

"PLEASE JUST GO!" She screamed at me.

"I will never leave you Bella, never." I was right in front of her, staring into her eyes that used to sparkle, but now they were just full of pain. What have I done to her?

" Please, I need to be alone, for a bit, I need to think." She had calmed down and was no longer shouting at me. I hoped she was beginning to forgive me.

" Can I come back?" I asked. I did not want to leave her. Not now. She shouldn't be alone at a time like this. But I really wanted to give her what she wanted and I wanted her to forgive me. I looked at her pleadingly.

"Fine" I wiped the tears from her face and left. I had to talk with my family. She was hiding something, and I was going to find out what it was.

BPOV

I ran through the front door and up into the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing so much that I was surprised I even made it up the stairs, let alone through the front door. Charlie was gone, and he was never coming back.

I paced around the bathroom, deciding whether I should do this or not. I already knew the answer. I grabbed my toiletries bag, opening it. It was full of different sharp objects. I got out a razor blade and just collapsed to the floor. I had no idea what time Edward would be back, so the quicker I did this the better.

I pressed the cold razor against my wrist. I was going over one of my old scars, since I had no room left on either arm. It hurt more than normal, but the pain felt amazing. Everything I had felt today just started slipping away. The crimson red blood dripped through my fingers and onto the floor, staining it. I really should clean it up. I grabbed a towel and held it against my wrist, blood still pouring from it. I cleaned up the floor, and rested my arm against the sink, so that the blood washed away. The last thing I wanted was for him to figure out what I was doing.

I was going to forgive him, I had to. I've lived without him for to long, and I really didn't want to be alone. But I wasn't going to tell him that yet. I'm still unimaginably pissed at him, at all of them. I know they only did it to make me safe, but look what they made me do.

I cleaned up the new cut, making sure that he would never be able to tell. I spent the next hour looking around the house, snapping the rubber band against my new cut. It hurt like hell, so it managed to stop me from completely breaking down. Until the band snapped. Perfect.

I went into Charlie's room, I knew that for some reason he always had a collection of rubber bands on his desk. . The second I got in there, I fell to the floor, my legs refusing to hold me up any longer. I always seemed to be crying. I lay like that for about an hour, to swallowed up in my pain to remember that Edward would be coming back.

I woke up on the bed surprised by the sound of the door bell. I really didn't want to face anyone. I walked down stairs, tripped once at the bottom and landed by the door. Picking my self up I peeped through the peep hole to see who it was.

I was shocked to see that all the Cullen's were standing on the other side of the door. So they decided to knock for once. Well I was soo not letting them in. I turned away from the door, and sneaked away slowly. They could hear, and I knew that they knew I had seen them. But I really _really _didn't want to talk to them right now_._

" COME ON!! ANSWER THE DOOR ALREADY" Alice shouted.

" damn it!" I walked back to the door and opened it. "Hello" I said politely. They weren't going to say anything till they could come in, so we all stood there in an awkward silence staring at each other. They wouldn't stop staring at me and it was really freaking me out. I panicked and looked at my arms, no they couldn't see anything. I breathed a sigh of relief. " Do you want to come in?" I said sheepishly and moved aside as they stepped in.

"We came to keep you company." Alive explained.

"We didn't want you to be alone" Esme said pulling me into a hug which I returned.

"Thanks, you really didn't have to…" I said.

"We wanted to. You shouldn't be alone ." Edward said standing in front of me. I ignored him and went to sit down.

They all took seats around me and began explaining what they were doing when they were gone. Turns out they weren't doing much. I zoned out. I knew I really should have been listening, this was probably really important but I really wanted to cut. Charlie was gone and he was never coming back. Ever.

They all started talking about what a great person he was but I stayed silent. I had to keep myself together, I did not want to embarrass myself in front of all of them. The more they talked about Charlie, the more I needed to cut.

"Are you hungry?" One of them asked me, I wasn't paying attention.

"No thanks." I said my voice quiet.

"Are you sure? I haven't seen you eat anything since we've been back." Edward asked

" I'm sure" They all eyed me suspiciously, Causing me to panic. They probably think that I have an eating disorder or something. Oh this is fun. I know that they can probably tell that I haven't been eating, but they really shouldn't worry.

They were still looking at me. I must look worse than I thought. I know that I look paler and I'm really skinny, but it cant be that bad can it? Jasper is giving me a look, I'm panicking and he's noticing.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jasper asked. This caused them all to stare even more.

"Yeah, sure" I couldn't take this any more " Ill be back in a second." I said and left the room. I climbed the stairs and went into the bathroom. Could I get away with cutting? it's a stupid thing to do in a house full of vampires but……….There was shouting coming from downstairs. I opened the door a bit, just enough to hear what they were shouting about.. They must have heard me because they started talking so quietly I couldn't hear them.

I decided that I couldn't cut………yet. They cant stay here forever. Tears started forming in my eyes again but I wiped them away. I walked down the stairs to see that Edward was waiting for me. His expression was one of pain, confusion and guilt. Everyone except Carlisle , Jasper and Edward had left.

"Bella…" He whispered, sounding like he was in pain " What have I done to you?"

**A/n So what did you think? And what do you think they'll do now they've found out? R&R Please.**


	7. Author Note

A/n MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Sorry I wont be updating till after Christmas, and I've been distracted by SNOW!…………SNOW!! Sorry if you wanted an update, blame the snow .

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	8. Chapter 7

**A/n ****Sorry this has been so long. I've had science exams. This probably isn't that good. I decided to write instead of revise, so this better be good. AND MY FRENCH TEACHER HAS BEEN TALKING TO MY FRENCH CLASS ABOUT ME WHEN IM NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!! If you want to know why then say so in your review….love you all please review.**

**Chapter 6**

**BPOV**

I stepped down the stairs, trying to act casual.

"What's going on?" I asked innocently, hiding the panic in my voice. My heart was pounding furiously at the thought of them knowing that I've been cutting.

"We'll give you some time alone" Carlisle said.

So then we were alone. I gulped.

"What's wrong?" He knew. I could tell by his face. His expression was pained and I could see worry burning in his eyes.

"Alice had a vision…"He chocked out. He definitely knew.

"You were..." Shit.

"What?" This was torture and he was dragging it out. I needed to know. He brushed some of the hair out of my face and stared into my eyes.

" Are you…Okay?" He asked, his golden eyes looking straight through me.

Okay? That wasn't what I was expecting. " What are you talking about? What did she see?" I demanded

"You were...gone" He whispered.

" Oh. Did she see anything else?"

" Yes. She did. When was the last time you ate anything?"

I ignored him and turned away. I hadn't eaten in days and I wasn't going to eat now. I had never felt so relieved in my life, if they found out I was cutting…I didn't even want to think about it. Besides, he cant just come back and start controlling my life. I was still angry at him but I loved him to much to push him away again.

I felt movement behind me and before I knew it he had picked me up and took me to the kitchen. He was going to make me eat. Great. I couldn't. I didn't even notice I was hungry anymore .The only way I knew that I was starving myself was the fact that I was getting thinner and you could easily see all my ribs. If I was thinner, prettier maybe he wouldn't have left me.

He sat down at the kitchen table with me on his lap and there was a plate of ravioli in front of us. I buried my face in his shirt ,as if hiding from it would make it go away.

"Please eat" He begged

"I cant" I whispered. Cant and wont.

"Eat" He said, picking up the fork and stabbing a piece of ravioli.

"Please don't make me do this" I begged him. Why was he doing this to me?

I expected him to answer, but he just ignored me. So I tried to stand up, but he wrapped his cold arms round my waist and pulled me back onto his lap. He stayed silent holding the fork.

"I'm not a baby, I can feed myself you know" I said sarcastically, taking the fork. I stared at the ravioli in disgust, I couldn't eat this. But I had to, just to shut him up. And I could throw it all up later. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it whole.

He was about to tell me to eat more when we heard a car pulling up in the driveway. He stood up, placing me on the floor beside him.

"Who is it?" I asked him, but he ignored me.

"I'll be back later, make sure you eat this." He said and then he disappeared.

I ran to the door and opened it before they even had a chance to knock.

"Mom!" I jumped at her and she hugged me tightly. I was so surprised, wasn't expecting her to be here. But this was a good thing. There was no way she was going to let Edward follow me round. Charlie had told her what him leaving did to me, and I'm pretty sure she hates him more than Charlie does…..did.

"I'm so sorry honey, I should have been here.." she rambled on, her voice raspy from crying.

" Its okay mom" I whispered, letting her walk past me into the house. " You're staying here right?" I asked , looking at her hopefully. I'd missed her so much and I really didn't want to stay here alone, even if Edward would probably be coming over.

"Of course I am, did you think I would leave you alone? And don't worry, I'm going to take care of everything, first the funeral. Then were going to sell this house and you can come back to live with me!"

I stared at her in disbelief. "What?" I whispered.

"Oww come on, I'm not going to leave you stuck here am I, I know how much you hate forks. Besides there's nothing here for you. To be honest I don't see why you came her in the first place." She started to smile at this point, making me even angrier. " And Charlie wasn't the best person to live with anyway, you were the one taking care of him, it should have been the other way around, I was going to come get you anyway so I guess some good did come of all this, I get my daughter back" The words flew out of her mouth so fast that I couldn't even believe she said them.

" How could you say something like that?" Her smile faded and she looked confused, as if she hadn't said anything wrong.

"What do you mean? Come on, you know he wasn't a good farther to you."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS!! MOM GET OUT!!" I yelled at her, grabbed her arm and pulled her to the door. She pulled her arm out of my grasp, and grabbed my wrists, pulling one of the cuts so it ripped back open.

"BELLA!! I DO NOT EXPECT YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! I AM YOUR MOTHER AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO………………." This was ridiculous, after what she just said I should be the one telling her off! I had never been so angry in my life….not counting how I felt towards Edward. Who does she think she is…..

During my silent ranting the blood from the open cut had seeped through my sleeve and was now drying on her hand. I looked down to my wrist and then up to her face. She had gone pale, really pale and she looked like she was about to throw up.

"Bella….."she rasped

"Its not what you think, I was peeling potatoes...and the knife I was using to peel those err.. carrots just uummm slipped and got my arm" I lied badly. She pulled my sleeve up revealing all the razor blade cuts that decorated my arms….

"BELLA THESE WERE MADE BY A RAZOR…EXPLAIN YOURSELF……….." She looked at me, her eyes were furious.

" I umm I…" I decided to stick to my original idea " Like I said I was peeling the potatoes…"

" What happened to the carrots?" She asked me smugly. " I can't believe you'd do something like this…….it's so…" she paused and sat down, looking faint and I thought she was going to puke.

I had been dreading this moment ever since I started cutting. The moment when my parent's…parent found out. I expected that I would break down it tears but right now I couldn't care less.

"DISGUSTING!"

_Disgusting? _she thought I was disgusting!! She didn't understand. She couldn't…this was the best thing that ever happened me, it wasn't disgusting!!! How could she think that….

"Disgusting" I whispered. I wasn't expecting this, I thought she would want to help, force me to talk to her but this…this was terrible.

"I have to get out of here, I cant look at you….I'm sorry" with that she ran out of the house.

I stared after her. How could she have said those things? I felt awful. So my mom thought I was disgusting, the love of my life didn't love me and the only person who could have understood is dead…There was only one thing I could do.

I ran upstairs. I couldn't take this anymore. My life was worthless. The hole that Edward leaving caused came ripping back open, and this time there was no closing it. There was to much pain. I'm nothing. I'm unloved. I shouldn't be alive I'm so disgusting. I was going to kill myself. And I was going to do it now.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/n Sooo here's the next chapter. I'm so sorry that I take for ever to update, but from now on I promise to update more often. And I've been reading back through this story and I've noticed that I've been making stupid mistakes. So I will go back through and edit it. **

**And some of you wanted to know why my French teachers been talking about me. The thing is when I chose my options, I didn't choose French , I chose music. I ended up not being able to do that and the only thing I could do was French. The only problem is I'm not French, I've never been to France and I cant speak the language. So I'm really bad at it and I'm in a class filled with people who are practically fluent. So I'm the class idiot, . The teacher hates me because I do really bad. Also my twin sister is in this class with me and we sit together, she's the most annoying person ever****J**

**Longest Author note ever………………….enjoy.**

**Chapter 8**

I ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I needed to end this 'life'. Save myself from the pain. Its not like anyone would care. Charlie's gone, Mom would finally be able to sell this house and go back to her life with Phil. And Edward… well he didn't love me anyway, and I don't think the rest of them cared either. I was doing the world a favour, it didn't need or want me.

I frantically searched through the bathroom for one of my razors, not caring about the mess as I threw everything from the shelves on the floor. I just needed to get away from it all. None of my razors were in the bathroom. Which was unusual, I always kept one in here somewhere. I checked the cabinet under the sink, the window ledge, the shelves and through the stuff on the floor. Still nothing.

_I must have left them in my room_, I thought, making my way quickly to my bedroom. I opened the door and was met with a gust of freezing cold air. The window was open. I did NOT leave that open. That meant…..

" Bella…" A voice chocked from behind me. I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand, inwardly cursing at myself for being so pathetic.

I turned around, putting on the best fake smile I had " Edward" I sighed. I couldn't even kill myself in peace. He was standing right in front of me, staring into my eyes, looking even more beautiful than the last time I saw him. I didn't even know that was possible.

" You came back" I whispered. Id never been so happy to see him. I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, His head rested on top of mine, one arm around my waist, the other stroking my hair.

I was torn. I hated him for leaving me, I never wanted to see him again. Yet I couldn't stop the part of me that wanted to hold onto him and never let him go.

" Bella…" He said, this time more pain showing in his voice. I tried to look up at him, but he held me even tighter and kissed the top of my head. " I never should have left, this shouldn't have happened, its all my fault." He muttered to himself.

What was his fault? What shouldn't have happened? Did he know?

I pulled away from him, this time he let me go. Something was wrong. Very wrong. He looked like he was in agony. His eyes never left mine, and looked as though they were pleading with me to forgive him.

"What's wrong?" I asked him for the second time today.

" It cant be true…..you would never….over me…God tell me its not true…" He was talking to himself again, and it was really freaking me out. He knew. I had no idea how he was going to react to this. He was going to hate me, he would be angry and disgusted. I couldn't take that again from someone I loved, I just couldn't. It would kill me.

" Edward." I said, my voice weak because I knew what was coming.

" Why?" He asked. I could hear the hurt in is voice. If he could cry, he would be in hysterics.

I didn't know what to say. But I knew I couldn't tell the truth. He will hate me. " Why what?" I asked, deciding to play innocent.

" You know what I'm talking about Bella." He whispered, talking to me like I was a three year old. He gently reached down and held my small hand in his. I shivered as I felt his cold skin touch mine. He pulled me closer to him, kissed my forehead and lifted my hand up to his mouth and kissed it to. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to see the cuts. His other hand then reached up and carefully touched my face.

I was frozen in place, I couldn't move, couldn't run away. I was to scared. H took my hand in both of his and looked into my eyes as if asking me and telling me he wanted to see my arm. I shook my head, tears already forming in my eyes. I weakly tried to pull my arm away, I just wanted to run and hide in a corner somewhere. But he gripped my hand tighter and squeezed it a little, trying to tell me that it would be okay. " I have to know" He whispered,, explaining why he was doing this, knowing that would hate him for it.

His fingers grabbed my sleeve and slowly pulled it up my arm, revealing all the damage I had done to myself. He looked down at my arm, then pulled up my other sleeve showing more of my self inflicted injuries.

His cold fingers traced over all the scars and cuts, helping the burning pain I felt from the newest one.

I kept my eyes on his face the whole time., I watched it change from one of disbelief to pure agony.

I was terrified, was he going to be disgusted by me like my mom was? Probably. He was going to leave me again. I knew it. Why would anyone want to love me? I didn't deserve to be alive. I was disgusting. Unlovable. I killed my dad and my mother couldn't even stand to be around me. Why should I torture the world with my presence?

To my surprise, he pulled me into his arms and just sat and rocked me. " I'm so sorry, I love you, its going to be okay"

That's when I snapped. I broke. I stood up and pulled out of his arms.

"Don't say that! Don't tell me your sorry, none of this was your fault! This is my fault, all of it, I'm the one causing all the problems! You should have never come back, you should leave me, save yourself, I'm only going to ruin your life again!!!!" I screamed at him as he stood up and made his way over to me.

"Ssssshhhh calm down" He whispered, trying to pull me into his arms again.

" You shouldn't love me, you can't! How could you! Nobody does. I'm pathetic. I don't deserve you, any of you. I don't deserve anything!" I screamed again, he looked at me in shock, his face full of concern.

He tried to speak, to comfort me but I cut him off. " I don't deserve to be alive. I'm disgusting. I cause everyone pain. I just ruin peoples lives. I'm a disease, I killed Charlie, its all my fault!" I shouted, unable to stop the words from flooding out of my mouth. My knees buckled and I dropped to the floor. I curled myself up into a ball again, with my head resting on my knees and my arms wrapped around my sides, trying to hold myself together.

" I'm disgusting, please just kill me, kill me please, please let me die, please I want to die, I cant live like this, please I want to die." I pleaded. I begged him to kill me. I didn't deserve him, I would end up hurting him and causing him more pain. He didn't love me. Why would anybody love me? I'm a mess, I ruin everything. I'm a screw up.

Edward was still stood in front of me, the look on his face was a mixture of confusion and anger. And pain.

He was to shocked to say anything.

Slowly he kneeled down in front of me, and slid down so he was leaning against the wall next to me.. An arm carefully wrapped itself around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him, and then positioned me so that I was sitting on his lap, my head tucked under his chin.

He didn't say anything this time, he just started to hum my lullaby and slowly rocked me again. I didn't fall asleep, I just sat crying silently to myself, the voices in my head still telling me that I should die.

**a/n What did you think? Hope you liked it, please review. And I got shouted at in French, but blame Carlisle. I mean imagine this………………..a monkey in a doctors jacket helping people by force feeding them bananas. My French teacher asked me to explain what was so funny because I'm usually really shy. wasn't fun, especially with my sister next to me in hysterics. ITS ALL CARLISLES FAULT.**


	10. Chapter 9

**A/n I am so sorry for taking so long. I keep saying that I will update faster but I never do. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I also said that I was going to check all the other chapters and fix the mistakes. I will, I have just figured out how to edit them so yeah me(: I looked at the other chapters and almost ran screaming and sobbing into a corner to hide. There are to many embarrassing mistakes. I'm ashamed of myself. **

**And thanks to all of you reviewers, I love you all, I really don't say that enough.**

**Anyway, please read and review. Tell me if you like it or not…..(:**

**Chapter 9**

**EPOV**

I left her house and started running in the direction of mine. Renee had come over so I guessed she'd need some time alone with her.

I was so worried. She was so small and thin, she wasn't eating and it was all because of me. Because I left. I thought she'd get over it, be able to have a normal life. No matter how much pain it caused me to be apart from her. Obviously not.

But I'm back now, things will get better. They have to.

A few minutes later I arrived at my house, my family were all sitting in the living room, so that's were I went.

I stood in the middle of the room, all their eyes were on me. " What's going on?" I asked confused as to why all there thoughts were random, and one of them was repeating the word cheese in their head.

None of them answered me. Whatever it was it was bad.

" What is it? Tell me" I demanded a little louder this time.

They all looked away.

" Seriously tell-"

I was getting angry, but Alice cut me off.

" Just watch" She said and began replaying a vision in her mind.

_It was Bella. She ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She searched the bathroom for something. Whatever it was she couldn't find it, so she ran into her bedroom and searched through the drawers in there.. Suddenly she stopped and pulled out a razor._

A razor? What the….

She pulled up both her sleeves, and pressed the blades against her wrist, slicing open the vein…

"When did this-"

" You still have time, hurry" She said but I was already gone.

I ran faster than I ever had before. How could she? Why? This was all my fault. But she would never…she couldn't.

I reached her house in time to see her mother leaving. She looked….disgusted?

…….oh my god. It was true.

I jumped up, opened her bedroom window and ran to the drawer I knew the razor was in. I picked it up, crushed it, and not knowing what to do with it, I threw it out the window.

She burst through the door, not even noticing me an ran to close the window.

" Bella…"

She turned around and looked at me, I was right behind her staring into her eyes.

" You came back" She whispered.

Of course I did. I loved her, I am never going to leave her again Did she really think that I wasn't going to come back?

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me as tightly as she could. One of my arms found it way around her waist, the other started gently stroking her hair. I let my head rest on top of hers, trying to figure out how I was going to do this. After all, it was my fault.

It was my fault that she starved herself, and it was my fault that she started hurting herself. I caused her pain, and that fact was killing me. I didn't mean or want to hurt her. I thought I was doing the right thing. I loved her, and she didn't deserve to be constantly getting hurt because of it. I wanted her to be happy living the normal life she should have had. But I guess that it wasn't possible.

"Bella…" I said again. I was in to much pain to complete a sentence.

The love of my life was hurting herself because of me, what was I supposed to say? I didn't even know where to begin. I loved her, and I would never leave her again. I was going to help her through this.

She tried to lift her head to look at me, but I tightened my grip on her, as if I could hide her from the pain, and I kissed the top of her head.

" I never should have left. This shouldn't have happened, its all my fault" I muttered, I needed her to know how I felt about this.

She pulled away from me, this time I let her go. I had to tell her, she knew something was wrong, I could see the panic and fear in her eyes. She didn't want me to know and I know that she would probably want to ignore the problem. If she even saw it as a problem. And she definitely wont want to talk about it, especially with me. But I will not accept that. I loved her to much. I wanted her to be able to tell me anything.

" What's wrong?" She asked me

It cant be true. She wouldn't.

" It cant be true….you would never…over me…God tell me its not true."

I couldn't believe this was happening. I stared at her, I was probably freaking her out. She didn't want this to happen and neither did I. I wished we could go back to the way we were before I ruined it all.

" Edward" She said in a small voice.

" Why?" I asked. I know things have been bad but she was strong, she shouldn't have turned to this.

"Why what" she asked innocently.

" You know what I'm talking about Bella" I whispered in a soft voice

I needed to know if this was true. I needed to see. I reached my hand down and grabbed her small hand in mine, pulling her closer. I kissed her forehead. This was it. I had to see. I lifted her hand up to my mouth and kissed it as well. I reached my other hand up and touched her beautiful face.

She froze, she was terrified. That was the last thing I wanted. I took her small hand in both of mine in both of mine this time, and looked at her, telling her that I needed to see her arm. She shook her head, tears in her eyes as she tried to pull her arm away. I gave her hand a small squeeze, silently telling her that it will be okay.

" I have to know" I knew that she would hate me for this.

I grabbed her sleeve and pulled it up her arm slowly, revealing all the damage she had done to herself. I pulled up her other sleeve, inwardly hoping that it couldn't get any worse. But there was even more cuts.

I traced over all of them with my fingers I couldn't believe this, but they were real, she had done this to herself.

I felt more guilt and pain wash over me. I had done this. And I would fix it. I would make it all better again. I will get my Bella back.

I pulled her to me and sat down with her on my lap, and just started to rock her. I didn't know what else to do. " I'm so sorry. I love you, its going to be okay. " I promised.

But she stood up out of my arms. "Don't say that! Don't tell me your sorry, none of this was your fault! This is my fault, all of it, I'm the one causing all the problems! You should have never come back, you should leave me, save yourself, I'm only going to ruin your life again!!!!" she screamed at me.

I heard her breathing pick up, and her heart beat faster. I stood up and tried to pull her into my arms again. "Ssssshhhh calm down"

" You shouldn't love me, you can't! How could you! Nobody does. I'm pathetic. I don't deserve you, any of you. I don't deserve anything!" Now I was scared. Didn't she know that I loved her? She deserved so much better than me. And she was not pathetic.

" I don't deserve to be alive. I'm disgusting. I cause everyone pain. I just ruin peoples lives. I'm a disease, I killed Charlie, its all my fault!" I had never been so scared in my life. I never expected her to say that she didn't deserve to be alive. How could she think that? She thought she was a disease that ruined peoples lives. didn't she know that she was my life? Id be dead without her.

I stood and listened to her screaming at me, to shocked and concerned to actually move. Her knees buckled and she fell to the floor, curled up in a ball.

" I'm disgusting, please just kill me, kill me please, please let me die, please I want to die, I cant live like this, please I want to die." She begged me.

She wanted to die? My heart broke, the guilt came back again but 10 times worse, and I was in an unimaginable amount of pain, so much it felt physical. I was furious at myself for leaving and letting this happen to her. My Bella.

I kneeled down in front of her small sobbing form. And leaned against the wall next to her. I slowly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and carefully pulled her closer to me an onto my lap again, her head tucked under my chin.

I didn't know what I could possibly say at the moment that she would listen to and make her feel better, so I didn't say anything. I closed my eyes and started rocking her again, this time humming her lullaby. What was I going to do? I had broken her. But I was going to fix her.

**So there you go. Kind of a filler, but I seriously am going to write the next one right now. Please review. I know I don't update often enough but reviews will help. Promise.**

**Quick Question: If you had a friend, who wasn't themselves for a few weeks, they didn't speak to anyone, and hardly ever said anything to you in person but on the internet were kinda mean but kept apologizing for it, what would you do? **

**Please review, love you all.**


	11. Important

A/n I am so sorry. I Know I haven't updated in ages, but I promise you WILL get a new chapter by Monday. Things have been really crazy and I just haven't had time to finish typing it.

I have not and will not give up on this story, and I know I hardly ever update but things are insane at the moment. I found out my aunt has cancer. I've had a drama assessment, and our main character has been off ill for weeks, so that's going to be a huge disaster. And I've also had two English essays. I've been put in an English speaking test group that instead of helping me actually do the work, they would rather paint their nails, leave me to do the work and spend all lesson laughing at me. I'm shy, really, really shy. So they use that as an excuse to be complete bitches.( DON'T BULLY SHY PEOPLE!!! THEY WILL ONE DAY GET REVENGE!!!) So they have given me the part that has the most to say. I go to school to learn, not to be embarrassed and laughed at by stupid, vain shallow people. GRRRRRR. And I've had a French speaking test. As you know I'm not exactly the best at French.

Sorry about the rant. But I feel like I owed you an explanation . I'm not the happiest person at the moment . But I promise you will get a new amazing chapter by Monday(:


	12. Chapter 12

**A/n Sorry , I know its been forever since I last updated and this chapters really short, but more is on the way. I don't really like this chapter, but please tell me what you think of it. I'm really sorry for how long this has taken, but things have been crazy. Thing with my aunt are bad, I go back to school tomorrow and I have exams in 2 weeks. Joy. Also my best 'friend' has been making my life hell, turning all my friends against me. My life is so great. Anyway, Enjoy….**

Chapter 10

We sat there like that for 2 hours. she didn't fall asleep, just carried on crying.

It didn't feel real. I would never have imagined that this would happen. I couldn't believe it, and the guilt was unbearable. It was my fault, I had done this to her. When I left, I broke her heart, I thought she could get over it, forget I existed. I had just caused her pain and trouble in the past, I thought she'd eventually be glad I left.

She could have lived a normal happy, human life and had things I could never have given her. I thought it was the right thing to do…..but she loved me. Like I loved her. But I left, and when I went, the girl I knew disappeared. I made her who she is now. Lost, broken and hating life.

I looked down at her, her beautiful face scrunched up as if in pain.

"Bella" I said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

I got no reply." Bella" I said again, louder this time. We needed to sort things out, I wanted her to let me in, talk to me.

She grumbled in response." We have to go, come on" I was sure talking about all this was going to be difficult enough, without having to be in this house that would just remind her of her farther and upset her even more.

Her eyes opened at that, and she looked at me warily. "Why"

I hugged her closer to me again, my head resting on hers." You know why. We are going to have to talk about this, I know you don't want to, it will be hard but I promise you everything is going to be okay"

I stood up, placing her on her feet and stood in the doorway. I held my hand out to her waiting for her to take it. She looked at it, then back round at the emptiness of her room. She bit her lip, probably wondering what would happen if she decided not to come with me.

Slowly, she made up her mind and grabbed my hand.

She followed me out to her truck, I got in the drivers seat before she had the chance and we started driving

BPOV

We sat like that for ages, I just sat and cried in his lap. I cried even harder when I realized how pathetic I must have looked, I had broke down right in front of him. I couldn't stop the tears that soaked into his shirt. Life was just so hard.

He called my name twice before I finally answered him, he told me we had to go. He wanted to talk. Great. Why do people always think talking is going to solve a problem? The problem will still be there, you'll just be even more embarrassed because everyone will know everything. How could that possibly help anyone?

"Why" It was obvious really, but I had to ask.

He hugged me closer to him " You know why, we are going to have to talk about this, I know you don't want to, it will be hard but I promise you everything is going to be okay."

I was going to protest, but I knew it wouldn't help. I had begged him to kill me, so he was probably going to do anything to help me. I didn't want help though. I just wanted to end it. End the pain and just be free. Was that to hard to understand?

He got up and stood in the doorway, holding his hand out for me to take. He wasn't really giving me a choice, he was going to make me go with him one way or another, he just wanted me to feel like I had chosen to go with him. I took it anyway, and followed him out to my truck.

He drove a slowly as he possibly could, probably waiting for me to say something, but I stayed silent, staring out the window. Just because he wanted me to talk didn't mean I had to. And I didn't have to listen to whatever they had to say. I knew what I was doing and I knew what I wanted, they just didn't understand.

After 15 minutes of uncomfortable silence we arrived at his house. I tried not to panic. They all probably knew what was going on, this was going to suck.

Walking to the door, I quickly thought of any chance of escape, while keeping my face emotionless. I would not let them see how hard this was going to be for me.

Just as I decided to simply run from them he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and was walking me into the house. They were all sitting in the living room, and all the heads turned to look at me as I came in. I just couldn't stand the looks in the eyes, so I just focused on my feet. This was going to be hell.

**So what did you think? I'll give invisible skittles to people who review(: **

**Another thing, I've recently discovered my love for Tokio Hotel, and skittles but that's not the point, so I was thinking about writing a Tokio Hotel fan fiction. Well, technically I've already wrote it, just need to type it up, just wanted to know how many of you would read it?**

**Thanks and REVIEW(:**


	13. I'm Sorry

**A/n Hey, I'm still here, I haven't updated in forever and I'm sorry. I Know I never update, and I hate to say it but I don't see that changing anytime soon. I have no idea how to continue with this story, I really enjoyed writing it and I hope you liked reading it but I don't know where I'm going with it. I think you know by some of my previous author notes that life isn't great for me at the moment, and I've had exams ( with lots more to come) so I really haven't had time to even think about updating. **

**I probably will continue this story, but I have no idea when. The truth is, this story is getting harder for me to write. I self harm, I cut myself. You could probably guess that I did because of this story, but even though I write about it, its REALLY hard for me to admit it. Even telling you now scares the living crap out of me. A lot of what's in this story is how I feel, I hide what I do to myself everyday, I'm terrified that someone's going to find out and I'm scared about how people will react- So its easy for me to write about that in this story. The next chapter would have been how they reacted to seeing someone they love hurting themselves, something I have no idea about. It may sound pathetic, but I've had a million ideas about what would happen, every single one scared me. That will probably be me one day. This story is just reminding me of something I really want to forget, I guess I kinda made it to personal in a way, so I'm sorry if I never finish this. But I will carry on writing fan fiction, I love it to much.**

**I'm really sorry, I know people liked this story, but I really can't continue with it. I'm trying to stop my self harm, and seeing as nobody knows about it, I'm trying to stop alone. It's hard. **

**If any of you reading this self harm, please know you are not alone. You can stop, its going to take time, its not going to happen over night but you can do it. No matter how impossible it seems, just believe in yourself. I know it helps you and makes you feel better, but its not worth it. It just gets worse until takes over your life.**

**So I'm sorry and I hope you understand. And check out my other fan fictions, I will continue writing and I hope you enjoy it. **


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